Over the Bridge and Through the Years

It is odd being the age that I am now, looking back at what I use to thought was only in movies, books, or horror stories. I never thought that by 20 years old I would have gone through all the shit that I have already. They say our teenage years are the hardest. They really weren't kidding when they told us. Between watching my friends waste away into nothing but bones from drug addictions, to knowing my friend as a drunk more than when she was sober, putting alcohol above everything else in her life. Knowing I can't do anything...that is the part that really kills me. There have been one too many of my friends that have wanted to end their life. I don't know what I would do with any of them because they mean more to me than they will ever comprehend. Why must we go through such hardship? We're young. We are supposed to be carefree spirits, living the best times of our lives. They really aren't the best times, they're the hardest, they try to break us down into nothing but ashes. 

I was in the eighth grade when my friends starting smoking da pots. I was so against that and drinking that it made me so uncomfortable to be around them when they talked about it. I was that goody two shoes kinda kid. Look how much that has changed. I can only sit back and laugh at the days where I had a giant stick shoved so far up my ass I never thought it was coming out. I looked at weed as if it was this horrid monstrosity.  When really...it elevates the pain. Helps my anxiety. And truly joins people together. I love weed. I can't deny that truthfully. 

But then again, I never thought that my mom would lock a therapist in my room one morning because she found the suicide note I had left on my vanity. I never thought I would be looking at 30 Vic's hoping that would do the job and I wouldn't wake up in a hospital bed having my stomach pumped. Because then I would be the girl who tried to commit suicide and that nice little shadow I have of invisibility..well that would be pulled right off and everyone would know. No one would ever look at me the same.


It never surprises me to see how over the years we don't just change in appearance, but in morals, beliefs, and actions.