Confusion Whirlpool

Why is it that when I think I have feelings for someone, I start running as if there was a giant man eating grizzly bear behind me? Why can't I just accept someones affection, without thinking...knowing that I will mess it up? Before it even amounts to something I automatically talk myself out of it. It's ridiculous. It's even more ridiculous that I am fully aware that it's stupid. Yet I don't change it; as if it is part of my nature...when it could easily be changed. I guess I just simply ignore it and act like there is nothing that can be different. 

Yet, at the same time I am thinking this...I miss having the company of someone....the reassurance that maybe I'm really not that bad. That I'm actually pretty. That someone could love this hot mess of a person. I don't mean hot as in attractive. I really am just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.