Insomniac Rants

It's getting bad again. And by bad again I mean the thoughts, worthlessness, views and whatever else you can think of. I'm still on my meds. But I don't know what triggers these random stages where it's just total shit. Where I truly believe that I have absolutely no worth in this world and that no one would miss me if I died tomorrow. People say of course they would. But I really don't believe it. I'm just a fat, useless, non important, stupid girl. Yet everyone else sees a beautiful, skinny, funny , caring, intelligent girl. They're fucking blind in my opinion. But that's just me. And what do I know?

Over the Bridge and Through the Years

It is odd being the age that I am now, looking back at what I use to thought was only in movies, books, or horror stories. I never thought that by 20 years old I would have gone through all the shit that I have already. They say our teenage years are the hardest. They really weren't kidding when they told us. Between watching my friends waste away into nothing but bones from drug addictions, to knowing my friend as a drunk more than when she was sober, putting alcohol above everything else in her life. Knowing I can't do anything...that is the part that really kills me. There have been one too many of my friends that have wanted to end their life. I don't know what I would do with any of them because they mean more to me than they will ever comprehend. Why must we go through such hardship? We're young. We are supposed to be carefree spirits, living the best times of our lives. They really aren't the best times, they're the hardest, they try to break us down into nothing but ashes. 

I was in the eighth grade when my friends starting smoking da pots. I was so against that and drinking that it made me so uncomfortable to be around them when they talked about it. I was that goody two shoes kinda kid. Look how much that has changed. I can only sit back and laugh at the days where I had a giant stick shoved so far up my ass I never thought it was coming out. I looked at weed as if it was this horrid monstrosity.  When really...it elevates the pain. Helps my anxiety. And truly joins people together. I love weed. I can't deny that truthfully. 

But then again, I never thought that my mom would lock a therapist in my room one morning because she found the suicide note I had left on my vanity. I never thought I would be looking at 30 Vic's hoping that would do the job and I wouldn't wake up in a hospital bed having my stomach pumped. Because then I would be the girl who tried to commit suicide and that nice little shadow I have of invisibility..well that would be pulled right off and everyone would know. No one would ever look at me the same.


It never surprises me to see how over the years we don't just change in appearance, but in morals, beliefs, and actions. 

Roller-Coaster Age

Have you ever had the feeling that no matter where you go, what state, town, house, or group you never really "fit" into it? Like you're not the missing piece to a giant puzzle. A puzzle that is completely connected in a perfect way. Compared to everyone around you who seem so comfortable in their skin, not a worry in the world, no doubts. I have never felt that. Not only the not fitting in part, but the no doubts and simply myself. I have never liked myself. I have always doubted. I have a constant worry. That puzzle piece that has a defect, that can kind of fit into the puzzle, but it will never truly "fit" perfectly. I am truly envious to anyone who is able to feel those emotions/feelings. Don't take them for granted, you have no idea how truly lucky you are. It seems so effortless.

I think part of it all is the emotional stability of the individual. They are all mad when they need to be, or not even, sad when something sad happens, or happy when they have joy in their life. My level of emotions would probably be better related to a roller coaster. Not because I'm a raging psycho, but because there are just constant changes that never stop. I have to admit, I could be slightly bipolar because my moods change so drastically, like a switch goes off.

Why can't life be simple and easy. Like when the hardest decision we had to make was what color crayon we wanted or who got what coloring book.

Those were the days we cherish now, when at that time, all we wanted was what we have no. Why on Earth could that ever make sense. We do not realize at that age that it is so carefree, worry-free, and loving. We do not have major life changing moments, or life threatening addictions, there are no complications. Why would you want to be this way instead of carefree spirit?

Confession Central

I find it incredibly strange that one individual person can make such an enormous impact in your life. It doesn't always depend on how long they have been in your life. It could be days or weeks, or maybe even a few hours. Some of us do not even realize the impact we have on another persons life. 

There have been a few instances where one of my closest friends didn't want to live another day. Yes, she wanted to commit  suicide. I bet you are saying how selfish of her. But really, you do not understand how it feels until you are in that position. I went to hell and back with her; from her stealing triple c's and tripping for endless hours, cutting herself till it bled through her shirts, to multiple attempts at suicide. 

She recently told me how much of a difference I had made, just by being there, whether in person or through the phone. By talking her out of it and making her realize that there was so much to live for.

I never really understood how someone could want to end their life...until about two years ago.

Have you ever contemplated death?  Even a little bit?

I have had so many family deaths in my life that death isn't something I am scared of at this point in my life. I even welcome it. 

Sadistic some may say, but in truth, I can't handle too much more of the shit that life has thrown at me. I'm getting pretty tired of it. 

Now...if anyone is even reading this pointless secret blog of mine. Hopefully, you don't know who I am. Just some anonymous girl ranting over the internet about her woes in life. Well here is a brief synopsis of my life..keep in mind...I am only 20.

My uncle was brutally murdered 10 years ago.
My grandfather died of leukemia. 
My dad has leukemia.
My grandmother had breast cancer.
I totaled my car horrifically my senior year.
I can rant about the health of my family but that would take hours...long story short I am genetically screwed.

Oh yeah and back in January, I was officially diagnosed with anorexia, depression, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive disorder.

Basically I am a hot mess. 

Before all of this was typed into my medical history... I had attempted suicide a few times. None successful. It scared me a little how close I got to ending it. My mom found out however, and flushed all of my Vicodin down the toilet. 

But my poor sob story isn't the real point of this post. My friends, although I still refuse to see it from their perspective, wanted me to live. So they talked me out of killing myself.
That doesn't mean that I don't envision ways to die every day. Or wonder what would be the least painful, clean way to croak.

That is...until I met Ethan. He's now my ex. But during the short time we were together, I had never been happier. I never had a "bad thought" or thought of myself as obese and repulsive. He made me feel good about myself. I loved feeling the way I did around him.

But now that we aren't together anymore, I find myself constantly searching for that emotional bond and feeling again..

Needless to say...I'm failing so far. 

This is the time of our lives

Have you ever really thought about when elderly people look at us "youngsters" an tell us to really live our lives? Yet, we waste our time, sitting around saying how bored we are and there is nothing to do? When in truth...there is so much at our fingertips and we never take advantage of it? We are spoiled and we do not even realize it.

Confusion Whirlpool

Why is it that when I think I have feelings for someone, I start running as if there was a giant man eating grizzly bear behind me? Why can't I just accept someones affection, without thinking...knowing that I will mess it up? Before it even amounts to something I automatically talk myself out of it. It's ridiculous. It's even more ridiculous that I am fully aware that it's stupid. Yet I don't change it; as if it is part of my nature...when it could easily be changed. I guess I just simply ignore it and act like there is nothing that can be different. 

Yet, at the same time I am thinking this...I miss having the company of someone....the reassurance that maybe I'm really not that bad. That I'm actually pretty. That someone could love this hot mess of a person. I don't mean hot as in attractive. I really am just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. 

What if I was normal

What if I took the rest of my Zoloft? I easily have 15-20 left...that would do the trick. I could take it...my parents are sleeping, so no one would find me until morning. It wouldn't be gruesome. Just incredibly tragic. But I would be out of all of my pain and misery. It's not selfish. It wouldn't be painful. Sometimes I wish I didn't have these thoughts. What if I was normal?

Da Pots

I'm not really sure how many of you smoke pot or if anyone reads the random shit that I write on a daily basis, but here's a small bit about my thoughts whilst being high. 

Many people just see weed as a party thing. "Lets smoke weed! Wooo!" But there are some stoners, who are genuinely interested in the science part of it. Personally for me, it cures me headaches, stomach aches, any pain I am in, my stress, and especially my anxiety. I am on zoloft. Which for those who don't know...is an anti depressant that also helps ease anxiety and OCD. So, yes to answer your question, I have a lot of problems. You're a total stranger and I really don't think anyone bothers to read this so I don't have a problem saying that I am medicated. However, if someone gave me the option to have a medicinal marijuana card... I would take that over being on meds. Meds are entirely altering my brain function. Although some people view weed as a drug, I do not see it that way. It is natural. Grows out of the dirt. It eases my anxiety so much better than anything else could. I am so aware of everything around me and how appreciative I am. 

I truly do love being high. It's an entirely different state and it in my perspective is beautiful.

Rusted Epiphanies

Tonight was an unexpected delight. I was surrounded by people I love with a smile on my face for hours. It felt so refreshing. I love hugs and one of my friends gave me one of those awesome hugs where they pick you up really high and spin you around. It's the little things in life that really are the best. I smoked my friends bub in the softball dugout looking up at the stars and talking about our expectations for the summer. Then a few hours later, as I was leaving my friends room, I heard my name called from somewhere above me. A bit confused at first, I noticed my two friends perched on the top of the old fire escape on the side of the dorm. I walked up the many short flights of old rusted stairs and found them at the top, greeting me with a steam roller. We talked but also enjoyed the comforting silence. It was in that exact moment that I realized truly how beautiful life and Vermont is. It is odd that when I am in an altered state of mind that I am able to take a second, step back, and see the true beauty of what is constantly surrounding me but I am too blind to see on a daily basis. 

Why is it that I am always so determined to follow to schedule that rules my life  at least five days a week? God forbid I get to work or class a little late. If I am not hitting the same spot at the same time then I even quicken my pace. Why can't we all just "fly by the seat of our pants" and not worry about following the ridged schedule that subconsciously rules our lives. Time is simply a made up concept. So why do we determine and revolve so many things around it? What if time did not exist? What if we were truly free to do whatever we wanted without any consequences?

Lost in Translation

It's really quite bizarre that in the exact moment you pour out everything you've been so frightened to admit, but when presented with "what do you want" you can't answer because you really have no idea. You were banking on deciding according to their reaction. What do you do in this moment? SOS.

Altered Ideas

Have you ever wondered what it is like to be in the body of someone else? Like experiencing yourself and seeing how other people perceive you? Just have the ability to see yourself living, behaving, talking, etc. Would you want to be aware of this kind of "out of body" experience or would you just want to be living from that perspective for a day? I think it would be absolutely fascinating to see how my life is and be aware of the fact that I'm viewing myself. I truly wonder sometimes, more often than I should, how I am viewed by others. This doesn't mean that I necessarily care, but I think it would be interesting..


Our mind is such a complex part of our body that is capable of so much, yet we do not even have access to most of it. Imagine if we could take something, like in Limitless, that enabled us to use the entirety of our mind. I would LOVE it.

There is so much that we truly have no idea about. If we have no idea about it, then how can we search for it in order to gain more knowledge?!