Escaping the regular

Have you ever felt as if you are stuck in a certain place in your life and no matter what you do, you won't be able to get out of it? As if that time in your life is quick sand, you just keep sinking deeper and deeper into that rut and you just cannot get out? Its a miserable feeling really. I live possibly the most rural area in Vermont and I hate it. It wasn't that bad when I was younger. But now, halfway through college, I have nothing left here really. All of my actual close friends are in various states, some even in California. All I want to do is pack up the things that are most important, shove them in my car, and go. Not really sure where I would be ending up, but just leaving. Some may say that is the most idiotic thing I could possibly do. But I'm 20...this is the "prime" of my life...the time when I can actually do that. Just not give any fucks in the world and go. Leave everything I know behind me...and move on to a new chapter in my life. A clean slate if you would. I would love nothing more than that. 

Everything that surrounds me is dull, filled with high school memories, and nothing that interests me. I have grown out of the great ole' 802.

I need change. I thrive change.

clean slate

So I found out earlier this week that my hard drive decided it was a fab time to shit the bed. Do you think I agree? Fuck no. This was not the time to die. But, I suppose it is better than during finals week or some hellish scenario such as that. Anyways, I get my computer back. Hard drive is brand new, feels like the computer is brand new. Especially that the close to three thousand songs that I had on here.... are now POOF gone. In some ways it doesnt bother me because now I can make my itunes precisely what i want it to be.

But my real question...what would life be life if we could do that..


PS DOES ANYONE REALLY READ THIS?

Insomniac Rants

It's getting bad again. And by bad again I mean the thoughts, worthlessness, views and whatever else you can think of. I'm still on my meds. But I don't know what triggers these random stages where it's just total shit. Where I truly believe that I have absolutely no worth in this world and that no one would miss me if I died tomorrow. People say of course they would. But I really don't believe it. I'm just a fat, useless, non important, stupid girl. Yet everyone else sees a beautiful, skinny, funny , caring, intelligent girl. They're fucking blind in my opinion. But that's just me. And what do I know?

Over the Bridge and Through the Years

It is odd being the age that I am now, looking back at what I use to thought was only in movies, books, or horror stories. I never thought that by 20 years old I would have gone through all the shit that I have already. They say our teenage years are the hardest. They really weren't kidding when they told us. Between watching my friends waste away into nothing but bones from drug addictions, to knowing my friend as a drunk more than when she was sober, putting alcohol above everything else in her life. Knowing I can't do anything...that is the part that really kills me. There have been one too many of my friends that have wanted to end their life. I don't know what I would do with any of them because they mean more to me than they will ever comprehend. Why must we go through such hardship? We're young. We are supposed to be carefree spirits, living the best times of our lives. They really aren't the best times, they're the hardest, they try to break us down into nothing but ashes. 

I was in the eighth grade when my friends starting smoking da pots. I was so against that and drinking that it made me so uncomfortable to be around them when they talked about it. I was that goody two shoes kinda kid. Look how much that has changed. I can only sit back and laugh at the days where I had a giant stick shoved so far up my ass I never thought it was coming out. I looked at weed as if it was this horrid monstrosity.  When really...it elevates the pain. Helps my anxiety. And truly joins people together. I love weed. I can't deny that truthfully. 

But then again, I never thought that my mom would lock a therapist in my room one morning because she found the suicide note I had left on my vanity. I never thought I would be looking at 30 Vic's hoping that would do the job and I wouldn't wake up in a hospital bed having my stomach pumped. Because then I would be the girl who tried to commit suicide and that nice little shadow I have of invisibility..well that would be pulled right off and everyone would know. No one would ever look at me the same.


It never surprises me to see how over the years we don't just change in appearance, but in morals, beliefs, and actions. 

Roller-Coaster Age

Have you ever had the feeling that no matter where you go, what state, town, house, or group you never really "fit" into it? Like you're not the missing piece to a giant puzzle. A puzzle that is completely connected in a perfect way. Compared to everyone around you who seem so comfortable in their skin, not a worry in the world, no doubts. I have never felt that. Not only the not fitting in part, but the no doubts and simply myself. I have never liked myself. I have always doubted. I have a constant worry. That puzzle piece that has a defect, that can kind of fit into the puzzle, but it will never truly "fit" perfectly. I am truly envious to anyone who is able to feel those emotions/feelings. Don't take them for granted, you have no idea how truly lucky you are. It seems so effortless.

I think part of it all is the emotional stability of the individual. They are all mad when they need to be, or not even, sad when something sad happens, or happy when they have joy in their life. My level of emotions would probably be better related to a roller coaster. Not because I'm a raging psycho, but because there are just constant changes that never stop. I have to admit, I could be slightly bipolar because my moods change so drastically, like a switch goes off.

Why can't life be simple and easy. Like when the hardest decision we had to make was what color crayon we wanted or who got what coloring book.

Those were the days we cherish now, when at that time, all we wanted was what we have no. Why on Earth could that ever make sense. We do not realize at that age that it is so carefree, worry-free, and loving. We do not have major life changing moments, or life threatening addictions, there are no complications. Why would you want to be this way instead of carefree spirit?

Confession Central

I find it incredibly strange that one individual person can make such an enormous impact in your life. It doesn't always depend on how long they have been in your life. It could be days or weeks, or maybe even a few hours. Some of us do not even realize the impact we have on another persons life. 

There have been a few instances where one of my closest friends didn't want to live another day. Yes, she wanted to commit  suicide. I bet you are saying how selfish of her. But really, you do not understand how it feels until you are in that position. I went to hell and back with her; from her stealing triple c's and tripping for endless hours, cutting herself till it bled through her shirts, to multiple attempts at suicide. 

She recently told me how much of a difference I had made, just by being there, whether in person or through the phone. By talking her out of it and making her realize that there was so much to live for.

I never really understood how someone could want to end their life...until about two years ago.

Have you ever contemplated death?  Even a little bit?

I have had so many family deaths in my life that death isn't something I am scared of at this point in my life. I even welcome it. 

Sadistic some may say, but in truth, I can't handle too much more of the shit that life has thrown at me. I'm getting pretty tired of it. 

Now...if anyone is even reading this pointless secret blog of mine. Hopefully, you don't know who I am. Just some anonymous girl ranting over the internet about her woes in life. Well here is a brief synopsis of my life..keep in mind...I am only 20.

My uncle was brutally murdered 10 years ago.
My grandfather died of leukemia. 
My dad has leukemia.
My grandmother had breast cancer.
I totaled my car horrifically my senior year.
I can rant about the health of my family but that would take hours...long story short I am genetically screwed.

Oh yeah and back in January, I was officially diagnosed with anorexia, depression, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive disorder.

Basically I am a hot mess. 

Before all of this was typed into my medical history... I had attempted suicide a few times. None successful. It scared me a little how close I got to ending it. My mom found out however, and flushed all of my Vicodin down the toilet. 

But my poor sob story isn't the real point of this post. My friends, although I still refuse to see it from their perspective, wanted me to live. So they talked me out of killing myself.
That doesn't mean that I don't envision ways to die every day. Or wonder what would be the least painful, clean way to croak.

That is...until I met Ethan. He's now my ex. But during the short time we were together, I had never been happier. I never had a "bad thought" or thought of myself as obese and repulsive. He made me feel good about myself. I loved feeling the way I did around him.

But now that we aren't together anymore, I find myself constantly searching for that emotional bond and feeling again..

Needless to say...I'm failing so far. 

This is the time of our lives

Have you ever really thought about when elderly people look at us "youngsters" an tell us to really live our lives? Yet, we waste our time, sitting around saying how bored we are and there is nothing to do? When in truth...there is so much at our fingertips and we never take advantage of it? We are spoiled and we do not even realize it.